Friday, June 12, 2009 . 12:42 PM

august evenings
bring solemn warnings
to remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight
these roads never seemed so long
since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
will daybreak ever come
who's gonna call on sunday morning
who's gonna drive you home
i just want one more chance
to put my arms in fragile hands

A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion

i'm rotting back home once again, went out with jav and ash to catch terminator salvation on wednesday at j8, not quite sure why people didnt really like it though, it was relatively alright to me, This Is John Connor, If You're Listening To This, You Are The Resistance. right so went to jalan jalan then makan, with loadsa nonsencial and funny talk while we were at it. sadly there were no eye candies either. there's an ant nest somewhere in my house thats starting to get on my nerves. DID you know that if you would take all the ants in the world and weigh them against all the elephants in the world, the ants outweigh the elephants by i think 50+ times to one, bet you didnt know that did you. that was just random, i would like to congratulate myself for actually managing to spend a fraction of my time to study for physics yesterday, there may be hope after all. so thats about it, see you when i see you.

Sunday, June 7, 2009 . 10:04 PM

went to church today, good message. met my aunt and uncle afterwards around two and went over to their place to slack around before meeting up with my sister, cousin and some relatives to visit another relative, though we found out in the end that she wasnt at home ( wasted trip ). went to popeyes at changi airport terminal one for dinner, super long queue there, probably caused there were only two counters and they took relatively long with the serving, then went home. anyway here's how the top i bought looks like.







i apologise about the bluryness, but basically it has this hoody thing around the neck which isnt exactly a hoody, more like a scarf though its not a scarf; and there's two stripe things in front and one behind, just thought it seemed a little unique. anyway i'm feeling rather emo now so i guess thats it for today.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do

that'll conclude today's post

Wednesday, June 3, 2009 . 4:21 PM

I'M SLEEPY. i skipped class in the morning yet again today, i am so destined to retain. was on the comp for a bit before meeting jav and the rest at raffles place for the literature convention by this australian lecturer, Miss Anne Elgar at the uhm NTUC Centre at One Marina Boulevard. wasnt as packed as yesterday according to jav, ( i skipped yesterday's session ) and there were quite a lot of girls around as compared to the guys, i dont know maybe guys arent so much the literature type ?. anyway saw one of our primary schoolmates after the convention, think it was jane, whom i left a pretty bad impression of myself on. went to jalan jalan around looking for mac donalds with kenneth, joash jav sakthi and myself, and it took us forever to find one ( the entire OUB or UOB plaza i'm not too sure which cause i always get confused between the two, didnt even have a single mac donalds outlet so we went to the one at boat quay ) crapped and nonsensed alot, we experimented enveloping a cheeseburger pickle in salt and the result was mind blowing AND disgusting. slacked around at macs then went home. hope i have the drive to attend lessons tomorrow.

PS : i'm terribly sorry, too lazy to post the pictures now, i'll probably post them tomorrow.

against all odds ? a miracle ?
clock's ticking and my faith's fading.

Monday, June 1, 2009 . 6:53 PM

aaarrrggghhh mother tongue o levels today, and I DIDNT FINISH PAPER 1 COMPOSITION AND PAPER 2 dammmit. so i left the last paragraph of my composition out due to my poor time management skills and the last two questions of paper 2, ARGH why'd i have to fall asleep during paper 2. anyway i did the formal letter writing cause i had no clue what the last part of the informal letter meant, and so everything that i beied the night before was wasted thanks to my lack of brains. bah whats done is done, shoo shoo shoo away. went to queensway after dismissal to meet my beloved aunt and got some tops and bottoms that i LOOOVEEE. there's this top that's like nothing i've seen around in stores yet, its this hoody thing that isnt a hoody, but more like a scarf yet not like one. i'm sorry but i suck at describing things but it looks like ancient meets modern, blah i'll post a picture of it tomorrow, along with my DREADFUL JUNE SCHEDULE. i have to report back to school and attend workshops for the whole of weeks one, two and four. which leaves me with only a one week break -__- how wonderful. so its supposedly KEVIN PORTSCHER'S BIRTHDAY TODAY, although we arent celebrating it i guess. but happy 16th birthday my german counterpart :) blanket party anyone ? or spin the bottle. man i am so lame today i dont know why, maybe its the apple pies i ate earlier on.

Sunday, May 31, 2009 . 7:31 PM

to whoever's reading this, just felt like posting now because i feel i've hit rock bottom, the lowest, deepest most shitlike point in my entire life. so maybe you think its not that big a deal and that what i'm experiencing is nothing, i mean there're multitudes out there far worse than myself, and i would like to say, i can understand what you're trying to put across to me. so yeah, i'm trying to start from scratch as my foundations in about every subject now is crumbling to bits, falling apart, a little like i am. i'm sort of having an emotional breakdown when i should be extremely happy, i dont know why this is happening though honestly. so my dad just gave me a motivational speech on what miss pan and mr tuang said to him on saturday when he went to meet up with them, and it sure did help me a lot. funny how i look back and see those times where my dad use to scream at me and punish me, and how its all so different now. funny how when i look back at the immature jerk and asshole i was back in elementary school, and now experiencing a reversal of roles, dont get me wrong though i know i deserve it badly, and even worst than this. funny how i think i've changed throughout these events that have helped shaped my life, into the junkyard it is now. funny how everything seems to be crashing down upon you when it all seemed to be going so well. i'm sorry i didnt text you ***** i didnt want to disturb you while you were busy studying. but i guess its all part of this long journey of life, where we all have to go through obstacles and fall eh. dont mind if its all in bits and pieces and i'm not making any sense, i'm just writing what comes to my head, and its way too much to post. my stomach hurts terribly every now and then, and the diarrohea or however you spell it, is literally killing me. if this happens tomorrow during o's i swear i'll just tear the fucking paper up in pieces and burn it, and maybe throw a concert in the examination hall to ease everyone's stress. everyone needs proof these days, faith is sure hard to come by. so i wonder now, where will i be at the end of this year, a school dropout, private candidate, retainee, graduating, an exile. what in the world, i sound like an emotional retarded loser, maybe because i am one.
farewell people and best of luck for tomorrow's paper.

not my will but yours be done lord, god help me get through this.
my life's a mess, my mind confused, my emotions screwed, my memories haunted, my future dim, the path ahead cold, this journey lonely, this individual lost.

help me for the light at the end of this tunnel, seems to fade with every step, for these eyelids feel so heavy, for this moment feels so lonely, for there's no one left to turn to, so i'm turning back to you. and help me lord, because this time, everything just wont let go.

sheperd dont let go, guide this sheep, guide this wanderer home.

Friday, May 29, 2009 . 10:09 AM

so i'm feeling kind of exhausted and moodless though i dont really know why, maybe because i finally accepted my sister's opinion which only seemed too logical, i suppose girls know girls best. sheesh i sound so emotional, anyway yeah so i didnt go to school today as you all know, and not really sure what i'm going to do at home the entire day, probably just rot and nuah around. wow mother tongue o level paper's on monday and i'm not doing anything in preparation, just wonderful. whatever i'm going to go look for some chim phrases and words now, ciao.

What I've Done SG Style


so that was the first lifelessquad video we ever made in secondary two, when we were at ashwind's house supposedly studying for geography SA2 paper the next day, and here's how we studied. just a bunch of lifeless people doing lifeless things, so if you've got something against that, dont even view this. i was the cameraman as usual, along with tjk.

walking away
its time i stop deceiving myself about having any chance at all

Thursday, May 28, 2009 . 5:35 PM

i'm sick once again, surprise surprise. guess it was probably due to the hokkien mee i ate at the coffee house at bishan interchange, or maybe because i drank two cups of coke zero in the morning, a glass of pepsi for dinner, and shared one big gulp of 100+ with jav, that my stomach's filled with so much gas/air. so i'm down with fever and a bad stomach and aching body, went to the doctors and was diagnosed with stomach flu, hate it when i get that. so woke up yesterday and blogged below, lazed around and emoed till about three then went to shower to go meet jav. went to meet benda at vivo to pass her chocolates for her cramps first, then went to jav's place where i felt super awkward ( met gene and zheng han along the way at serangoon mrt, chinese teacher dismissed them insanely late ) but anyway wasnt really in the mood to do anything then, so just slacked around again until ash came and we went on fifa as usual, though we didnt lose our voices this session. just wanted to say sorry guys, didnt mean to be so moodless. so yeah jav's mom dropped us off at the coffee shop at bishan interchange where we had our dinner and had yet another sharing session, man if only life could be like this all the time, just sitting around with friends, talking and sharing and not have to worry about anything else. went to macs at j8 to get jav and ash some ice cream, and the following conversation took place

girl at counter : nice shades
myself : sorry ?
girl at counter : nice shades
myself : oh, thanks :)

wierd, thought situations like this would never occur in singapore, so i was tempted by jav's mac flurry and went back to get my own

me : uh i'm sorry but could i get another mc flurry ?
girl at counter : no cannot
me ( stunned )
girl at counter : just kidding
me : ( laughs) uh okay
girl at counter : so whats your name ?
me : why ?
girl at counter : just curious
me : ( thinks ) matthew
girl at counter : oh matthew ?
me : yeah
girl at counter : alright here you go
me : thanks
girl at counter : have a nice day

alright that was random, but whatever, wierd incident. went to 7 eleven to get h20 but couldnt find it so we got a big gulp instead, then walked aimlessly to find somewhere to play cards. ended up playing at the bus stop near bishan park, we looked damm silly i guess. played until about around 11++ then wanted to take a couple of candid shots but couldnt so we just took a couple of pics, then took a half an hour walk back to justin's place for champions league, i swear the weather is nuts, there was no wind at all and i was pespiring like a waterbag. ( was about 12++ then ) tried to do a sing along video for lifelessquad on youtube but it didnt really work this time, cause none of us could sing, and i sounded horrible. unfortunately jav couldnt join us at justin's place so ash and me went over ourselves to meet justin and zac. guess we were a little impatient so we decided to climb over the wall instead of waiting for them to come and open the gate. cut the long story short, we guitar heroed while waiting for the match to start, jas and kuan joined us later on. so manchester united played horribly, so yeah they deserved to lose. my stomach was hurting as hell, and the fever only made it worst. was sharing the sofa with zac to sleep so didnt have much space to move about so i had to sleep curled up and my legs hurt pretty badly as well so i kinda had a rough night waking up here and there, but all in all, it was fun. so i woke up this morning and i felt like crap, so went to meet my dad to see the company doctor, ( he pays only 5 dollars for consultation and everything ) and got and mc for today and tomorrow. ms pan's going to strangle me cause she called and ordered me to go to school tomorrow. guess i wont be collecting my report book tomorrow after all. so o levels is on monday and i've still not begin preparations yet, wonderful. guess thats it for today, have a good day people.