Sunday, May 31, 2009 . 7:31 PM

to whoever's reading this, just felt like posting now because i feel i've hit rock bottom, the lowest, deepest most shitlike point in my entire life. so maybe you think its not that big a deal and that what i'm experiencing is nothing, i mean there're multitudes out there far worse than myself, and i would like to say, i can understand what you're trying to put across to me. so yeah, i'm trying to start from scratch as my foundations in about every subject now is crumbling to bits, falling apart, a little like i am. i'm sort of having an emotional breakdown when i should be extremely happy, i dont know why this is happening though honestly. so my dad just gave me a motivational speech on what miss pan and mr tuang said to him on saturday when he went to meet up with them, and it sure did help me a lot. funny how i look back and see those times where my dad use to scream at me and punish me, and how its all so different now. funny how when i look back at the immature jerk and asshole i was back in elementary school, and now experiencing a reversal of roles, dont get me wrong though i know i deserve it badly, and even worst than this. funny how i think i've changed throughout these events that have helped shaped my life, into the junkyard it is now. funny how everything seems to be crashing down upon you when it all seemed to be going so well. i'm sorry i didnt text you ***** i didnt want to disturb you while you were busy studying. but i guess its all part of this long journey of life, where we all have to go through obstacles and fall eh. dont mind if its all in bits and pieces and i'm not making any sense, i'm just writing what comes to my head, and its way too much to post. my stomach hurts terribly every now and then, and the diarrohea or however you spell it, is literally killing me. if this happens tomorrow during o's i swear i'll just tear the fucking paper up in pieces and burn it, and maybe throw a concert in the examination hall to ease everyone's stress. everyone needs proof these days, faith is sure hard to come by. so i wonder now, where will i be at the end of this year, a school dropout, private candidate, retainee, graduating, an exile. what in the world, i sound like an emotional retarded loser, maybe because i am one.
farewell people and best of luck for tomorrow's paper.

not my will but yours be done lord, god help me get through this.
my life's a mess, my mind confused, my emotions screwed, my memories haunted, my future dim, the path ahead cold, this journey lonely, this individual lost.

help me for the light at the end of this tunnel, seems to fade with every step, for these eyelids feel so heavy, for this moment feels so lonely, for there's no one left to turn to, so i'm turning back to you. and help me lord, because this time, everything just wont let go.

sheperd dont let go, guide this sheep, guide this wanderer home.

Friday, May 29, 2009 . 10:09 AM

so i'm feeling kind of exhausted and moodless though i dont really know why, maybe because i finally accepted my sister's opinion which only seemed too logical, i suppose girls know girls best. sheesh i sound so emotional, anyway yeah so i didnt go to school today as you all know, and not really sure what i'm going to do at home the entire day, probably just rot and nuah around. wow mother tongue o level paper's on monday and i'm not doing anything in preparation, just wonderful. whatever i'm going to go look for some chim phrases and words now, ciao.

What I've Done SG Style


so that was the first lifelessquad video we ever made in secondary two, when we were at ashwind's house supposedly studying for geography SA2 paper the next day, and here's how we studied. just a bunch of lifeless people doing lifeless things, so if you've got something against that, dont even view this. i was the cameraman as usual, along with tjk.

walking away
its time i stop deceiving myself about having any chance at all

Thursday, May 28, 2009 . 5:35 PM

i'm sick once again, surprise surprise. guess it was probably due to the hokkien mee i ate at the coffee house at bishan interchange, or maybe because i drank two cups of coke zero in the morning, a glass of pepsi for dinner, and shared one big gulp of 100+ with jav, that my stomach's filled with so much gas/air. so i'm down with fever and a bad stomach and aching body, went to the doctors and was diagnosed with stomach flu, hate it when i get that. so woke up yesterday and blogged below, lazed around and emoed till about three then went to shower to go meet jav. went to meet benda at vivo to pass her chocolates for her cramps first, then went to jav's place where i felt super awkward ( met gene and zheng han along the way at serangoon mrt, chinese teacher dismissed them insanely late ) but anyway wasnt really in the mood to do anything then, so just slacked around again until ash came and we went on fifa as usual, though we didnt lose our voices this session. just wanted to say sorry guys, didnt mean to be so moodless. so yeah jav's mom dropped us off at the coffee shop at bishan interchange where we had our dinner and had yet another sharing session, man if only life could be like this all the time, just sitting around with friends, talking and sharing and not have to worry about anything else. went to macs at j8 to get jav and ash some ice cream, and the following conversation took place

girl at counter : nice shades
myself : sorry ?
girl at counter : nice shades
myself : oh, thanks :)

wierd, thought situations like this would never occur in singapore, so i was tempted by jav's mac flurry and went back to get my own

me : uh i'm sorry but could i get another mc flurry ?
girl at counter : no cannot
me ( stunned )
girl at counter : just kidding
me : ( laughs) uh okay
girl at counter : so whats your name ?
me : why ?
girl at counter : just curious
me : ( thinks ) matthew
girl at counter : oh matthew ?
me : yeah
girl at counter : alright here you go
me : thanks
girl at counter : have a nice day

alright that was random, but whatever, wierd incident. went to 7 eleven to get h20 but couldnt find it so we got a big gulp instead, then walked aimlessly to find somewhere to play cards. ended up playing at the bus stop near bishan park, we looked damm silly i guess. played until about around 11++ then wanted to take a couple of candid shots but couldnt so we just took a couple of pics, then took a half an hour walk back to justin's place for champions league, i swear the weather is nuts, there was no wind at all and i was pespiring like a waterbag. ( was about 12++ then ) tried to do a sing along video for lifelessquad on youtube but it didnt really work this time, cause none of us could sing, and i sounded horrible. unfortunately jav couldnt join us at justin's place so ash and me went over ourselves to meet justin and zac. guess we were a little impatient so we decided to climb over the wall instead of waiting for them to come and open the gate. cut the long story short, we guitar heroed while waiting for the match to start, jas and kuan joined us later on. so manchester united played horribly, so yeah they deserved to lose. my stomach was hurting as hell, and the fever only made it worst. was sharing the sofa with zac to sleep so didnt have much space to move about so i had to sleep curled up and my legs hurt pretty badly as well so i kinda had a rough night waking up here and there, but all in all, it was fun. so i woke up this morning and i felt like crap, so went to meet my dad to see the company doctor, ( he pays only 5 dollars for consultation and everything ) and got and mc for today and tomorrow. ms pan's going to strangle me cause she called and ordered me to go to school tomorrow. guess i wont be collecting my report book tomorrow after all. so o levels is on monday and i've still not begin preparations yet, wonderful. guess thats it for today, have a good day people.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 . 7:54 AM

morning comes around and i express relief
for this mental torture momentarily stops
light emanates this room, though still my vision's blurred
like a mundane routine, i wipe away the floods between the distance in my eyes
those moments like a slideshow, flip throughout my head
this bleeding heart cries out for you, my efforts to silence it, in vain.
there's just something about this, there's no mistake at all
my soul's recognition of its counterpart in you resounds through this body
though how could i ever stand up to him whom you so truly love
all that my eyes capture, those moments ceaselessly replaying themselevs
guess i'm but misery's favourite companion, with rejection acting as my wingman
i wave confidence and courage farewell as they go out the door
i try to read, but blank pages are all i see
you're in everyone i see, though i know you dont see me
i walk the streets at dusk, there're people everywhere, smiles and laughter all around
my heart stings everytime i fake a smile to blend in, just to see you happy

i was willing to lay down everything for you
i was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice
i wanted to give you the love i never had
i only ever needed you, no strings attached
and all i asked in return was that you love me too
but here i am back at crossroads once again, with this barely beating heart still calling out to you, though it knows you wont ever know.

hello blogger, hello people, guess i decided to return to blogging cause i desperately needed to express myself and my bottled up feelings. well i'm broken, torn, stripped of everything i ever loved, hurt, going insane and i dont know, you know the rest. guess i need to see uncle kelvin for some counselling or anymore of this kerosene and i'll ignite and explode like a tiny lightbulb. trying to study though nothing's really getting into my head, watching television programmes though all i see is a black screen staring back at me. at least blogger's not turning me away, or is it. so yeah i've failed all my subjects with only one pass in chinese at 58/100 a ridiculous grade. things are so messed up i dont know where to start because i'm so bloody weak in my foundations in every subject that i dont even feel like starting. i wonder if a human being can get anymore stupid than this. whatever, hope the rest of you are doing alright. so everything's throwing a fit at me, going berserk on me. air conditioners decided to take a break from work, and the older than myself black box of entertainment's probably already five and a half feet under. this little gadget i'm staring at now's probably dying of exhaustion or lack of stamina. so i'm just sitting aimlessly on this about to break apart chair in a ridiculous costume i call my sleepwear, typing this little something just hoping to make myself feel slightly better. i'm not going to talk about what happened, because you dont need to know about it. so i've got mother tongue block periods since last thursday, until this friday, and thankfully my dad allowed me a break or i'd probably explode and die like an overblown balloon, if i had gone to school today. so yeah i dreamt about her, surprise surprise matthew -_-, and to add on to my misery to not be able to have someone you truly desire, it was the only dream throughout the whole night ( duration : 8 hours ), i guess my mind must really hate my heart. so yeah anyway i wont say much more to bore you guys, but yeah best of luck to all those taking o's along with myself this year and take care people.

i dont believe one bit in this thing called fate, we decide our own fates and if by some miracle we ever get together again, i swear an oath to heaven earth and all its people, i will never ever let you go, ever. i dont know why i still hope, guess i'm probably just a fool with a fool's hope.

it hurts and stings and pains and blows and whatever else word you can think of, to have to take so many hits of rejection and when you're certain absolutely that you've finally found true love, to get rejected once again. guess i'm just going to go back to bed, i'm not functioning properly.